When I use the word "authorities," I do mean that. There are people who we have appointed the role of handling and dealing with certain problems we have as a society. Although many love to talk about the failings of the authorities, I will not join them - at least not here. Let God be their judge.
May 25, 2020
My name is Theodore Emmanuel Kirkley. I am 34 years old and I am a sexual deviant. Among the worst of my offenses are the times when I have engaged an attraction towards prepubescent children. I have fantasized about children and went so far as to touch the genital region of a 5-year-old child with my index finger while she was clothed.
I grew up in New York in a religion that taught me that the sin of the Fall of Adam and Eve was a sexual act. As children, we were separated from the opposite gender and I grew up with a mother and three older sisters, my father having left the family when I was 5. My mother was cold and frequently sad and I felt psychologically attached to her and looked for ways to make her feel better. If I did more chores in the home, I felt that that would take away from the one role my mother seemed to enjoy as it made her feel needed.
My childhood was lonely and I felt estranged from the people around me.
I found from early on a desire to learn more about God and asked many questions of a religious nature. I saw a lot of sex, violence, and drug use on television and my mother and sisters used to cover my eyes when there was overt sexual activity on the screen. It could have been anything from lustful kissing to suggestive motions. I felt that I had to do something to counteract the influences from the media and envisioned a goal for myself to make movies that had Heavenly values to teach people.
With that in mind, I attended the University of Texas at Austin and joined the film school. Unfortunately, I was mired by overeating, existential angst, disillusionment with my religion, and a growing interest in women I found difficult to suppress. When a woman in my life rejected me, I threw away all my belongings. My mother came to visit and stay with myself and my male roommate trying to help me get along better. I quit going to school and became fixated with thoughts of going to Hawaii.
Against my mother’s advice, I moved to Kona, Hawaii with the help of a high school friend named Romin Lee Johnson. He connected me with his father Ron Johnson. I stayed with their relatives - a woman and her two daughters. One was named Sylvia and was aged 5. The other’s name I don’t recall but she was about 8 years old. I will call her Rita for now. I don’t think the last names of the children were Johnson. I attempted to contact Romin to get more information on their names for the sake of record but did not hear back from him.
The girls took a liking to me and their mother suggested I do some babysitting. I had no problem with this and looked forward to it. We spent a lot of enjoyable moments together but I became troubled that my affection for them might be of a sexual nature. Between the two, I found Sylvia more attractive but tried to put such thoughts out of my mind. I was 22 at the time, had not had sex, and had not seen a woman’s genitalia very many times nor did I know how it worked.
One day, I walked into the living room to find Ron Johnson pleading with Sylvia to put her clothes on. Sylvia was prancing around the room naked. I tried to avert my eyes but found an intense desire to look at her, especially her genitals.
I ended up stealing glances when I thought Ron wasn’t looking. Sylvia seemed to enjoy being naked and I felt that she wanted to present herself to me based on how she was looking at me. I resisted such thoughts, however, and tried again to place such strangeness out of my mind. I knew that any attraction for a child was pedophilia and I was scared of what that might mean.
On a day that followed, I found my sexual feelings grow stronger and sought opportunities to be closer to the girls, especially Sylvia. Finally, I decided to follow my feelings and crossed the line. I laid down on a bed on the floor, waiting for them to join me. They did and I thought of creative stories to tell them that they enjoyed. It was a good time but I still felt a strong urging to be closer. As I remember, both children were very touchy with me but more so Sylvia just as I had hoped.
Just as I thought nothing could go my way, inexplicably, Rita got up and left the room. I couldn’t believe it but I was suddenly alone with Sylvia. She had her hands on my side but I didn’t respond. Then Sylvia did something unexpected. She sat up and said and mimed some things suggesting she wanted to get close with me. Then, as I lay on my back, she stepped over me with one leg and sat directly on my groin, straddling me.
I couldn’t believe what was happening. I didn’t know exactly what sex was but I knew that this was a sexual act. With clothes on, she began to dry hump me, saying, “This is what you wanted.” I was completely flabbergasted as I felt she had read my mind.
Knowing that continued sexual contact with Sylvia would be wrong, I planned to push her off of me. But before doing so, out of personal curiosity, I asked her, “Is this what you mean?” and touched her where her vulva was. To my surprise, she said yes, or nodded. I can’t remember which.
Although I could feel a desire to explore sexual stimulation with Sylvia further, I decided to push her off of me, somewhat roughly to show that I was serious. I then left the room.
It is possible that Rita watched what was happening although I kept a close eye on the door. I was very afraid of what would happen if people found out about my feelings.
That being said, the next day, Ron called up another member of the church and transported me to their house to stay. I did not see Sylvia or Rita again.
That was my first major experience with feelings of pedophilia.
Since that time there have been a handful of occurrences, never with contact so close. There have been exchanges on buses where I felt attracted to a girl.
There was one major incidence back in New York where a friend of my niece seemed to be fond of me. She was around 9 years old and was named Eevee. I developed an attraction to her.
I have never had sexual intercourse with a child or touched a child inappropriately beyond the time mentioned here. That being said, I feel I have a big problem when it comes to pedophilia.
After my experience with Sylvia, after much wrestling in my own mind, I finally started fantasizing about her, masturbating to visions of sexual intercourse with her. This went on for quite a while and I still engage it here and there.
Even today, as I was thinking more about my problem, I began thinking of Eevee, and envisioned being with her. I reached orgasm thinking of her.
Some people feel that fantasizing about someone is not the same as having sex with them. It may not be so bad but I think over time, it can become worse and worse if you don’t deal with the underlying reasons why you are attracted to them.
I think fantasizing about children is especially wrong and I consider myself a pedophile for that reason.
I call myself a sexual deviant though because I have been aroused and reached orgasm through many different sexual fantasies and pornography. I have not watched child porn or seen pictures of naked children although I have looked for it on a few occasions. There have also been sexual cartoons featuring underage children that I have enjoyed.
My main attraction remains incest/taboo material especially where a mother and son develop a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.
I have admitted to friends and on my Youtube channel that I have had attractions toward children and I have sought help to remedy my situation. Unfortunately, many people are not willing to help on this issue or don’t believe it can be healed.
I do believe that it can be healed especially with a fervent desire and faith in our Heavenly Parent’s guiding hand. I have chosen not to address or explore the underlying reasons for my attraction to underage girls. But I don’t want to put off the opportunity to share the truth in case some authorities may be interested. That is the purpose of this letter.
Sincerely, Theo Kirkley
I have often wondered the best way to talk about my issues with pedophilia. It is a sin with a great deal of emotional charge. I rely now on the words of Jesus who gave his opinion on the best course of action in a list with the top being the best:
1. Address the underlying reasons you committed the crime and admit the crime to the authorities
2. Address the underlying reasons without admitting the crime to the authorities
3. If you don't address the underlying reasons, at least admit the crime to the authorities
4. Do nothing
4. Do nothing
I have tried in vain to develop a desire to work through the issues surrounding my desire for prepubescent girls. Therefore, at this juncture, I would like to at least do the second to last best thing and admit my crime.
Many people will think that my crimes are too innocuous to mention. I would disagree. While it is better not to act on an unloving desire, ignoring the desire also constitutes sin. I believe that ignoring sinful desires also leads to them growing, which means taking action on those desires becomes inevitable.
I have been unable to connect with the Child Protective Services in Chicago, Illinois where I now live. Instead, I will attempt to deliver the following letter to the authorities in Kona, Hawaii where the worst action took place.
May 25, 2020
My name is Theodore Emmanuel Kirkley. I am 34 years old and I am a sexual deviant. Among the worst of my offenses are the times when I have engaged an attraction towards prepubescent children. I have fantasized about children and went so far as to touch the genital region of a 5-year-old child with my index finger while she was clothed.
I grew up in New York in a religion that taught me that the sin of the Fall of Adam and Eve was a sexual act. As children, we were separated from the opposite gender and I grew up with a mother and three older sisters, my father having left the family when I was 5. My mother was cold and frequently sad and I felt psychologically attached to her and looked for ways to make her feel better. If I did more chores in the home, I felt that that would take away from the one role my mother seemed to enjoy as it made her feel needed.
My childhood was lonely and I felt estranged from the people around me.
I found from early on a desire to learn more about God and asked many questions of a religious nature. I saw a lot of sex, violence, and drug use on television and my mother and sisters used to cover my eyes when there was overt sexual activity on the screen. It could have been anything from lustful kissing to suggestive motions. I felt that I had to do something to counteract the influences from the media and envisioned a goal for myself to make movies that had Heavenly values to teach people.
With that in mind, I attended the University of Texas at Austin and joined the film school. Unfortunately, I was mired by overeating, existential angst, disillusionment with my religion, and a growing interest in women I found difficult to suppress. When a woman in my life rejected me, I threw away all my belongings. My mother came to visit and stay with myself and my male roommate trying to help me get along better. I quit going to school and became fixated with thoughts of going to Hawaii.
Against my mother’s advice, I moved to Kona, Hawaii with the help of a high school friend named Romin Lee Johnson. He connected me with his father Ron Johnson. I stayed with their relatives - a woman and her two daughters. One was named Sylvia and was aged 5. The other’s name I don’t recall but she was about 8 years old. I will call her Rita for now. I don’t think the last names of the children were Johnson. I attempted to contact Romin to get more information on their names for the sake of record but did not hear back from him.
The girls took a liking to me and their mother suggested I do some babysitting. I had no problem with this and looked forward to it. We spent a lot of enjoyable moments together but I became troubled that my affection for them might be of a sexual nature. Between the two, I found Sylvia more attractive but tried to put such thoughts out of my mind. I was 22 at the time, had not had sex, and had not seen a woman’s genitalia very many times nor did I know how it worked.
One day, I walked into the living room to find Ron Johnson pleading with Sylvia to put her clothes on. Sylvia was prancing around the room naked. I tried to avert my eyes but found an intense desire to look at her, especially her genitals.
I ended up stealing glances when I thought Ron wasn’t looking. Sylvia seemed to enjoy being naked and I felt that she wanted to present herself to me based on how she was looking at me. I resisted such thoughts, however, and tried again to place such strangeness out of my mind. I knew that any attraction for a child was pedophilia and I was scared of what that might mean.
On a day that followed, I found my sexual feelings grow stronger and sought opportunities to be closer to the girls, especially Sylvia. Finally, I decided to follow my feelings and crossed the line. I laid down on a bed on the floor, waiting for them to join me. They did and I thought of creative stories to tell them that they enjoyed. It was a good time but I still felt a strong urging to be closer. As I remember, both children were very touchy with me but more so Sylvia just as I had hoped.
Just as I thought nothing could go my way, inexplicably, Rita got up and left the room. I couldn’t believe it but I was suddenly alone with Sylvia. She had her hands on my side but I didn’t respond. Then Sylvia did something unexpected. She sat up and said and mimed some things suggesting she wanted to get close with me. Then, as I lay on my back, she stepped over me with one leg and sat directly on my groin, straddling me.
I couldn’t believe what was happening. I didn’t know exactly what sex was but I knew that this was a sexual act. With clothes on, she began to dry hump me, saying, “This is what you wanted.” I was completely flabbergasted as I felt she had read my mind.
Knowing that continued sexual contact with Sylvia would be wrong, I planned to push her off of me. But before doing so, out of personal curiosity, I asked her, “Is this what you mean?” and touched her where her vulva was. To my surprise, she said yes, or nodded. I can’t remember which.
Although I could feel a desire to explore sexual stimulation with Sylvia further, I decided to push her off of me, somewhat roughly to show that I was serious. I then left the room.
It is possible that Rita watched what was happening although I kept a close eye on the door. I was very afraid of what would happen if people found out about my feelings.
That being said, the next day, Ron called up another member of the church and transported me to their house to stay. I did not see Sylvia or Rita again.
That was my first major experience with feelings of pedophilia.
Since that time there have been a handful of occurrences, never with contact so close. There have been exchanges on buses where I felt attracted to a girl.
There was one major incidence back in New York where a friend of my niece seemed to be fond of me. She was around 9 years old and was named Eevee. I developed an attraction to her.
I have never had sexual intercourse with a child or touched a child inappropriately beyond the time mentioned here. That being said, I feel I have a big problem when it comes to pedophilia.
After my experience with Sylvia, after much wrestling in my own mind, I finally started fantasizing about her, masturbating to visions of sexual intercourse with her. This went on for quite a while and I still engage it here and there.
Even today, as I was thinking more about my problem, I began thinking of Eevee, and envisioned being with her. I reached orgasm thinking of her.
Some people feel that fantasizing about someone is not the same as having sex with them. It may not be so bad but I think over time, it can become worse and worse if you don’t deal with the underlying reasons why you are attracted to them.
I think fantasizing about children is especially wrong and I consider myself a pedophile for that reason.
I call myself a sexual deviant though because I have been aroused and reached orgasm through many different sexual fantasies and pornography. I have not watched child porn or seen pictures of naked children although I have looked for it on a few occasions. There have also been sexual cartoons featuring underage children that I have enjoyed.
My main attraction remains incest/taboo material especially where a mother and son develop a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.
I have admitted to friends and on my Youtube channel that I have had attractions toward children and I have sought help to remedy my situation. Unfortunately, many people are not willing to help on this issue or don’t believe it can be healed.
I do believe that it can be healed especially with a fervent desire and faith in our Heavenly Parent’s guiding hand. I have chosen not to address or explore the underlying reasons for my attraction to underage girls. But I don’t want to put off the opportunity to share the truth in case some authorities may be interested. That is the purpose of this letter.
Sincerely, Theo Kirkley
Update from today, July 11, 2020: Ok, so it's a day later and I can report that I called Child Protective Services in Kona, Hawaii where the event I referred to happened. They said that they would not generate a report on this case because I was effectively removed from the care of the children and the children were safe. That is their standard and I respect it.
I am not a masochist - at least not in regard to this. I will not press my case to everyone and try and force people to put me in prison or make me register as a sex offender. After talking to the authorities in Chicago and Kona, I feel that I have been diligent in my attempt to fulfill the obligation of making it known what I have done and I am content. Going forward, my priority will be coming to see the pain I have caused and to repent.
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