The Journal of Theo

      I just finished watching A Streetcar Named Desire. It's about a paranoid woman named Blanche who crashes at her sister's place and tells a heap of lies to everyone around her in order to get their sympathy.     One thing that struck me was, in the midst of the stories she would tell people, when she wouldn't get the affection and validation she was wanting, she would look up at the faces of those around her and notice discord on them. She would then ask with some vexation, "Why are you looking at me like that?"     I know that interaction. I've been in Blanche's shoes many times. I have told stories that I believed were true but weren't. Then I've looked up at the faces of those I was speaking to and wondered why people were giving me such strange looks.     But there is one difference. Recently, when I look at those faces, and I want to know what it is they are thinking, I find that I really do want to know and I'm not just mad that I ...

     I heard AJ say that we create our own hell. How strange. Why would we create a bad place to live in? How is that possible?     Much of what AJ says sticks in my mind. I have never had any one person say so many things that challenge so much of what I believe. I find myself looking at my life and experiences and questioning things intensely.     Here's one thing I've noticed about myself: I hate  people.     You see, t he problem with people is that, soon after you interact with them, problems quickly arise.     So then I ask,  what would  it be like to live in a world without people? The first thing I would do is raid all the convenience stores.      ...but that would get old quick. Once the animals return to the cities, I would get paranoid with every new sound. Also, I would have to grow my own food. My little fantastical world without people would become a hellscape of fear and hard work...

      Last night in bed, feeling tired enough that I was sure I would fall asleep, I placed my phone on the small pile of 2 books next to my bed side. I wasn't asleep yet so I thought of some ways I could get to sleep without having to think about any pain I feel.     I settled on the tool I often use but hadn't in a while: fantasizing about having money. I have used this fantasy so many times in place of counting sheep. This time, however, I had trouble.     I will sometimes start with: "What if I had $20,000? What would I do with it?" Then I'll go to: "What about a million dollars?" Then I'll sometimes end up with: "What if I never had to worry about money and always had enough to do whatever I wanted to do at that moment?"     This time was different. I thought of how I would get that money. Who would give it to me? I have never been able to conjure up money or teleport it from one place to another. That means that I would have to receiv...

I walked to the pond in the apple orchard to see if it was still there and for other reasons. There are other things I could have done but none of them I wanted to do and it came to the point that I couldn't convince myself of their importance. The pond was there and I tried to remember that I didn't have to be anywhere else and all my thoughts seemed drenched in my surroundings so that I felt a kind of peace. There was no place I had to be, no task I had to complete. I stretched out my hand to touch the top of a dry blade of grass. There was no reason for it, at least none that I could explain. I thought I would find the reason as I did it but even then no reason came. I felt comfort  but suddenly I became afraid of being called lazy. The blade of grass disappeared and so did the pond and all was fear.

Does God want to support me in conducting research on.... The Truth? You'd think, "Yeah, sure." But I have misgivings about it. I mean, it makes sense in a way but I believe strongly that if you're not working your ass off, you're a bad person. In other words, "Go get a job, you leech!" Then I think, "Well, if it's true that you can feel and release certain grief emotions and then heal your body, um, shouldn't we conduct some research and find out?" Don't people get paid lots of money to do research into curing diseases? I was sitting on the toilet and I had a bad thought about my roommate. Then I was like, "Oh no, that probably matters." I mean, unloving feelings and thoughts have real world effects. So then I'm like, "Well, damn it, I should go feel that." But then I thought, I get thoughts like that all the time - not just towards my roommate but my friends, co-workers, acquaintances, family members, bosse...

Think about the human butt. I'm a heterosexual man. I have sexual desires. I look at women and feel certain things. I was told growing up that you are not supposed to look at women. You're not supposed to fantasize about them. You're not supposed to think about them. How the fuck do you do that? Let's qualify that first command: "You're not supposed to look at women." Well, of course you have to look at them sometimes. But I guess it means you're not supposed to look at certain parts of them - the parts that we know are sexual parts. But what are those? What are the sexual parts? Are they the breasts, vagina, buttocks, and legs? That's already quite a bit of a woman's body. So don't look at any of those parts? I did a little experiment where I specifically did not look at those parts of a woman for a bit. I found myself looking at other parts - feet, hair, shoulders. I still noticed a feeling of inexplicable attraction come up inside of me....