I heard AJ say that we create our own hell. How strange. Why would we create a bad place to live in? How is that possible?
Much of what AJ says sticks in my mind. I have never had any one person say so many things that challenge so much of what I believe. I find myself looking at my life and experiences and questioning things intensely.
Here's one thing I've noticed about myself: I hate people.
You see, the problem with people is that, soon after you interact with them, problems quickly arise.
So then I ask, what would it be like to live in a world without people? The first thing I would do is raid all the convenience stores.
...but that would get old quick. Once the animals return to the cities, I would get paranoid with every new sound. Also, I would have to grow my own food. My little fantastical world without people would become a hellscape of fear and hard work.
Ok, maybe I don't hate people. I do like being around people sometimes... but I prefer them to be some distance away from where I am. When I am by myself thinking or reading something, I don't want others to be too close to me. It distracts me. I immediately begin to think about how they think about me and lose my focus.
Another thing that comes to mind: what kind of housing I have attracted.
When I was young, we lost our house. My father was the breadwinner of the family but after my parents' marriage fell apart and he accrued a bunch of debt, he fled the country and stopped supporting us. Years later, when we sold the house, there was not much value left in it after the mortgages he took out. To me, my father had shirked his familial responsibility and I swore to never do the same.
Now, I have no house, no family, and very few belongings. I have been homeless 3 different times for a total of a year and a half.
I sleep on a mattress on the floor in the apartment I rent and that's just the way I like it. Many times I spend the whole day alone on my mattress. And I usually keep the light off. I seem to like things dark.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I have worked on building humility some. I will sometimes put all internet searching, youtubing, cell phone games, and porn to the side, try to long for help from God to get into my emotions and will sometimes be successful. But after a bit I begin to think about the neighbors in my four-plex. Will they be disturbed when hearing my angry rants, fearful cries, and somber sobs? I let myself cry for a little while then cut it off.
I dream about having my own house on my own property. I hate debt so it would have to be small. I would have to make some kind of road going away from it. That has it's cost.
Everything seems so expensive. I don't want much. Just a roof, walls, two windows, a door. I could fit into a 10 foot by 10 foot dwelling. I've already drawn up the plans. But a house like that on my own property would still cost a good $35k. How will I ever come up with that money?
It's not just people I don't like - it's work. Work sucks. I'll have to stop doing that. Maybe I just follow my passions, right? Oh right... no, I don't want to follow my passions.
Why am I so hopeless about life? Why am I so mad?
I'm not sure but so far I have worked out that I am mad that God did this to me. He hates me and gave me the so-called gift of life but gave me no roadmap and yet I'm supposed to believe it's easy to find the way to salvation and everything is supposed to be peachy-keen and it's gonna be oh-so-good once I finally discover how to release my emotions and once I start following my passions and trust and believe and have faith and - OH SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!!!! I DON'T BELIEVE, OK?! I don't know if I've EVER believed. I like thinking about good things but hate doing them. I just want to be left alone.
No, it's not people that are the problem. It's not work. It's God and all his holy, unreachable magnificence. He just forgot to include me in his glorious plans. I'm sure of it.
And I won't let it go. I won't be ok with it. God's gonna pay.
Oh I know I'm stupid and dim-witted and foolish. Go against God? The Creator of all things? I don't care! SOMEHOW, I will have my revenge.
If this God everyone talks about is so damn good, how come he created someone like me who ended up so damn bad?
I was sitting in my car eating chocolate this morning when it finally hit me. I don't want to go to work anymore, I don't want to follow my passions, and I don't want to go to another homeless shelter. That means there is only one path in front of me and it is death.
But where will I go when I die? If nothing really changes from this life to the next... if you are the same person you are after you pass as you are now... that means everything that I am and everything that I want I will take with me - all my fretting, all my dashed dreams, all my spites, all my weaknesses, my fears, my sadnesses, my gripes.
As I dutifully ate another piece of chocolate in deliberate spite of God, I realized all I wanted was to be left alone in some corner of a far-off region of somewhere with very few people. I would conduct my business quietly, have my own quiet little hovel that is very economical (thank you), and I won't bother nobody and no one can tell me I'm a bad person because I don't cause anyone any trouble.
That is the life I want for myself - infrequent visits with people nearby, quiet speculations of what might one day happen, no work, no need to be anywhere, no zest, no color, and a lot of time to quietly enact my revenge on God. That is the hell I would create.
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