What do I need?

     Last night in bed, feeling tired enough that I was sure I would fall asleep, I placed my phone on the small pile of 2 books next to my bed side. I wasn't asleep yet so I thought of some ways I could get to sleep without having to think about any pain I feel.

    I settled on the tool I often use but hadn't in a while: fantasizing about having money. I have used this fantasy so many times in place of counting sheep. This time, however, I had trouble.

    I will sometimes start with: "What if I had $20,000? What would I do with it?" Then I'll go to: "What about a million dollars?" Then I'll sometimes end up with: "What if I never had to worry about money and always had enough to do whatever I wanted to do at that moment?"

    This time was different. I thought of how I would get that money. Who would give it to me? I have never been able to conjure up money or teleport it from one place to another. That means that I would have to receive it.

    "No, no!" I thought. "I don't want to go there. Let's just think about having the money and that's all."

    Try as I might, I couldn't get the thought out of my head. Who would give me that money?

    If a drug dealer gave me money, would I accept it? What about the head of a large company that primarily deals in addiction like a fast food chain or alcohol purveyor or casino? Wouldn't it be unethical to receive that money?

    No, it would have to be somebody who was ethical. Otherwise, even if I took the money, I would feel bad for having it and the whole thing would be crap.

    So I started conjuring an ethical somebody who sought me out.

    It's morning and I hear a knock on the door. "Who could that be?" I murmur to myself. I open the door. A 65 year old man in plainclothes with a briefcase in his right hand is standing in front of my steps.

    "Hello." I say.

    "Theo, my name is So-and-So and I have a company named Such-and-Such. We are ethical. I saw your work online and I believe in what you are doing. Here is a briefcase full of cash."

    I stare at him as he places the briefcase down and begins to walk away.

    I try to think of something to say but can't. Well, at least I know his name and can look him up if I wanted to.

    So now I have this briefcase full of cash...

    Ok, but he said he wanted to give me money because of work I have done online. That doesn't make sense. My work sucks.

    I'm still not asleep. Damnit. What work did I do that he thought was good? I haven't done anything in about six months. I have been sitting on my butt most of the time I wasn't doing contract work for pay.

    Now (in my fantasy) I have all this cash but still feel guilty for having it. Mr. Such-and-Such must be insane.

    What's the problem here? Is it that my work sucks? Or that it's not all bad but I don't appreciate it?

    If my work sucks, then I have to work more to make it better. Or, I have to accept loving principles into my heart which will make the work better.

    I suddenly saw the beauty of God's system. God wants to give you everything that will make you happy as long as you are loving.

    Mmmm... I didn't like the thought of that.

    I know that sounds strange but, you see, my whole M.O. is to blame God for my problems. This stream of thought wasn't where I wanted to go.

    Screw this! Here I am trying to sleep and it's been like 20 minutes already and I still can't sleep! I couldn't even get to the point in my fantasy where I let myself have the money so I can think of what to do with it. What a disaster!

    Now it's actually morning. I made myself a smoothie with strawberries, carrots, peanuts, and apples. It was alright. Then I cut up some of the squash I cooked in the oven yesterday. There were 2 squashes - an acorn and a butternut. I had let the acorn one stay too long on top of my fridge. It became discolored and tasted bland and overripe. Normally I would season it to an extreme amount and try to force myself to eat it. This time I threw it out my window.

    I'm thinking this morning about money and what I want. What should I shoot for? I have found many times how the thing I want comes to me. It's wild how it happens. It's not always instant but in time, things start to move around me until I get that very thing. I love it and am only sorry it doesn't happen more often. I guess that's because many of my wants are unloving.

    So what is a loving want? I used to think the ascetic lifestyle was the most loving. Being a monk in a monastery on a hilltop or a hermit in the woods or a yogi in a cave - that's the way to be - far from the conventions of modern society.

    Now I question that. God wants me to have certain things. God wants me to be healthy. God wants me to be nourished. God wants me to get a good sleep at night. For that I need shelter and for it to not be oppressively cold or hot. God wants me to drink nourishing water and eat nourishing food so that I don't die. God wants me to breathe pure air.

    Not everyone wants me to have these things. Some people who know me and my sins would like me to be killed - well maybe tortured and then killed. Sometimes I look at my sins and I agree with them. But God doesn't. God wants me to be happy. God wants me to see my errors and choose to change.

    But that's perhaps a tangent.

    The real question is, what do I need? And when I say "need", I don't mean out of addiction but out of basic life necessity. Presumably, the things that I need, a starving youngster in a poor region of the world also needs and what's good for them is also good for me.

    What do I not need?

    I don't need a yacht, a fancy car, more than one vehicle, a large house. I have some desire to do some environmental recovery work. However, without permission from another property owner, I cannot just work on another person's land. I only have about 1/20th of an acre of land to work on. I would like to have more than that. I would love to have an acre or 2 at least.

    And food. What food do I need? I don't need meat or dairy or eggs. I don't need sweets. I need fruits, veggies, nuts, and legumes. I definitely need water - preferably water that tastes good.

    I need clothes. I don't know why. I understand that there are some utilitarian reasons for clothes but many times I would just as well wear no shirt except that people get upset about that. I often wonder, if no one was upset about it, why would I need to where pants or underwear? What if I walked into the local grocery store tomorrow with a towel around my lower body instead of pants like some do in India. Would that be so bad?

    I suppose I need clothes and perhaps one day someone will explain to me why. It seems for sure, I need to have a shelter, running water, clothes, some way to moderate the temperature, and a method for handling my own waste.

    That's all. Just those 5 things I definitely need. I don't even need a car really.

    That's not really a fine point. But it answers the question.

    So maybe tonight I will fantasize about those things before falling asleep.