I had an interesting emotional experience today that I want to share. It had to do with emotions I have to do with women.
I have been praying for help with my feelings about women. My sex life, as far as interacting with women in person, is non-existent although I do project at women, fantasize about women, and look at nude women online frequently. I know that it’s a problem and I have felt compelled to address it at various times with little success.
The other day I had an experience where I felt compelled to masturbate and decided to not engage that. Instead of engaging, I felt this feeling of fear come up that I was surprised at and initially ignored. After trying to distract myself away from it, I noticed that it lingered with me with an intensity. So, I finally surrendered to the sense of it. Soon after that, tears began flowing. It was such a milestone in my life to see the fear that was driving my desire to engage sexually. I decided to share about the experience and made a video about it called 'Taking a Peek Behind My Lust'. My delivery of my message was somewhat poor and I nervously added a bunch of jokes so the video got very few views but I am nonetheless proud of it.
That brings me to the story of today which is a story that continues the discussion about personal feelings with women.
Those aware of the Divine Truth teachings will know that all your interactions are events governed by the Law of Attraction. This is one of God’s higher laws that relates to the human soul. For this reason, if you want to address issues you have with a gender, you cannot ignore moments that seem unimportant. All events matter to some degree and have the purpose of exposing emotions that exist in the soul, whether they are loving or unloving.
Well, the story goes that I felt excited to write some blog posts today about things I’ve been thinking about. Before doing so, however, I decided to call my apartment company and ask the agent some questions I’ve had about my lease. The questions aren’t important but the way she talked to me was.
Two weeks ago, when I was looking at the apartment, choosing it, and signing the lease, she was eager to communicate with me. This seems to be her primary role with the company as far as I can tell - to help people move into vacant apartments. With that in mind, I was careful to ask her if she had the time to answer some questions I had about the lease and I made up my mind to be as brief as possible so as not to take up her time.
She started by texting me back asking, “How can I help?” Then she called me and told me in a joking tone, “It’s a little late to be asking questions about the lease isn’t it?” I began to respond when she cut me off and said something about getting back to me. She then promptly put me on hold. I waited on hold several minutes until the line was disconnected. It seemed that she had hung up. I then waited a while longer with pensive anxiety. Would she call me back? Should I send her another text asking what happened? Perhaps that’s too demanding. I’ll just wait. Maybe I should send a quick text saying “I’m still available today if you have time.
I decided to keep on waiting without communicating back until, finally, she called back. This time we were all business. I also had time while we waited to write down my questions so I wouldn’t forget any of them. We addressed one after the other after the other and it was all finished in a few minutes. I thought I did pretty good. I told her that’s all I needed help with and thanked her for her time. She had after all, done a great job answering questions and it seemed like she was going out of her way so I did feel happy. Also, the questions I had were concerns about fears I had and she allayed pretty much every one of them so that also made me feel good (addictively perhaps?).
Anyway, after thanking her, I started saying, “Everything’s going great here, btw…” when she cut me off with a “Bye,” and promptly hung up.
There was no, “Well, I’m glad I could help you.” or “It seems that everything is going well with your new apartment so that’s good.”
I immediately felt bad.
But I tried to ignore how I felt.
Most people will read this report of a simple interaction I had with a businesswoman and say, “What’s the big deal?” “Good Christ. Do you hear yourself? You’re crying over spilt milk!”
Well, I tried to agree with those sentiments. I tried to ignore how I felt. I tried to minimize the experience. I really did.
There I was… at my computer… completely ready to start writing my blog posts. I had about three different subjects I wanted to write about. The trouble was… I just couldn’t write.
What the hell? I remembered how I felt earlier. I was all a-flutter with creative energy. I was gonna write something awesome.
I wandered to the kitchen and stared at the second half of a chocolate cookie on the counter. I was going to save it for tomorrow… plus I already brushed my teeth… it wouldn’t be a good idea now to…
…fuck it. I’m eating it.
Oh, and I’ll also eat a Little Debbie snack. I threw the cookie in my mouth and walked over to my bedroom. As I crossed the threshold, I threw the Little Debbie snack across the room and watched it land triumphantly on my bed, in a great location where I could easily devour it after plopping my 300 pound body on the bed.
I felt good about my throw… but not good in other ways.
What happened to my day? What the hell? I swear I was all so creative and shit…
Whatever, time to play some games on my phone.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about that lady. You know, in the past she read the reviews my references gave me and said, “You seem like you’ll be a good tenant.” I felt so good to hear that. I analyzed that phrase every which way and sucked every ounce of validation I could from it.
“Wait, what did she mean by ‘seem’ though?”
And now no more of that. Just business. It seemed like she didn’t want me to call her again. Maybe from now on I have to just submit my concerns through the app they gave me. Don’t call her again. It’s probably not her job to handle this stuff.
WHAT THE FUCK!? Why can’t I stop thinking about this! So STUPID. What is wrong with me?
Play the cell phone game. Play the game. Play the game. Look! You won! Isn’t that great?
Try as I might, I couldn’t stop thinking about that small interaction I had with that woman and how much it threw me off balance in my day. I got shut down! What was going on?
I had to look at the situation and address my feelings.
The first real clue to what was going on was that she’s a woman. So what did I want from women? Well, obviously I wanted her to make me feel good. But how? Why?
Yesterday I had some success analyzing my feelings. I heard Jesus talk about an addiction he had felt through where he wanted women to be interested in him. That hit home for me. It felt very true for me. I want women to be interested in me all the time. And what events does the Law of Attraction bring me? There is hardly a single woman out there who is interested in me. I have almost no women friends and haven’t had a partner in maybe 9 years. Thinking about all that hurts.
I wanted her to be interested in me. And she wasn’t. Even as I realized that, I tried to minimize it.
“C’mon, really? You wanted someone you never even met in person to be interested in you over the phone?” Well, not sexually interested in me. But why couldn’t she have told me something like she said before? Something similar? I wasn’t such a bad guy just cuz I had all those questions was I?
I couldn't ignore it any more. I was seriously affected by that. Instead of questioning the experience further, I decided to try and surrender to how I was feeling in that moment. And the truth was, yes, I was feeling quite bad.
And the tears began to fall. Believe it or not, dear reader, even now as I write this and recall the experience some tears come back up.
It may sound stupid. It may seem like a trivial experience but I couldn’t deny the facts. I was so affected just because I didn’t get an addiction met from a woman in a simple business discussion over the phone.
Anyway, that’s about all I have to say. This was a long one. I hope the point carries to you and I wasn’t too verbose for your taste. Maybe some people will get the point sooner and don’t need to read all this.
My suggestion to you is to pay attention to details. It may not seem like much the first, second, or fifty-ninth time the same thing happens to you, but maybe it’ll just hit you the time after that.
Although this seems like a small experience, I feel like the lessons will be on-going. I could continue to write about all the emotional addictions that were revealed in this interaction but you probably get the gist already. And, honestly, I am still mulling over these things.
Well, the journey continues. Here’s to emotional processing!
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