How do you Really Change?

When I came to Chicago, I thought that my move to this place represented that I was very interested in going after my dreams to make a film about a young man’s relationship with God. I then noticed that, even with plenty of resources at my disposal like the library, the Poetry Foundation, and using paper and pen, I still would not, after a year of homelessness, take the time out to write the script for my film.

I then decided to go for a hail Mary. Once I found my own place, I would get a computer and type away the script in the serenity of my apartment where I would not be distracted.

But once I found a place, I dallied for several months. Even when I had the money to get it, I waited, and chose not to, instead using my funds on other things I felt were more important. Then I finally got a computer but became frustrated because I was not able to use Google Docs on it offline and I didn’t have a connection to the internet. And I didn’t want to get a connection to the internet, not only because of the expense and the electromagnetic pollution, but because in the past, when I’ve had a connection, I’ve spent all my time on my computer.

So I didn’t get an internet connection but I agonized over it until I finally looked up how to use Google Docs offline and found a way and then Google Docs was now available for me to use.

But I did not use it.

In all my time here in Chicago - a total of three years, I have thought often about the story of Raymond, the name for my prospective film. I have made castles in the sky, dreaming about how the story would go and how I would create this film. But in all that time, I have only written about 18 pages. About 6 of those pages were outlines and story elements. The rest were how the production would go and the funds I would require.

I never made connections with people. I never interviewed black people in the prisons or on the street.

I have gained weight from about 280 pounds to where I am now at about 320 pounds. I don’t feel that I have changed much for the better. I feel that I have gotten much worse and my lifestyle, health and weight proves it.

But it occurred to me that I thought moving to Chicago would force me to make progress with my film. Certainly I have learned a lot about Chicago but there is much that I still wish to learn about it. I wish to understand the attitude of people living here. Why would people live in such poverty? Why would they allow their own poverty? If we are beautifully and wonderfully made, how can we allow ourselves, after we have reached the time where we can make our own choices and decisions, to stay in this poverty?

I thought buying the computer meant I would start using it but that didn’t happen.

All of this seems to prove what Jesus says when he talks about willpower. You cannot change by forcing yourself through taking action.

But I’m confused. Aren’t we supposed to take actions? Aren’t we supposed to use our will to love?

Maybe we have to face the facts of how we are living and the behaviors we engage? Maybe the real way to change is to accept the fact everything we end up doing (after about age 5) is something we, ourselves, choose to do. Therefore we want to smoke that cigarette or raise our voice at that person or have sex with someone we don’t particularly like or hold a grudge.

Maybe we have to be honest about our desires and thereby come to see the real condition our soul is in.

I don’t know what comes after that because I don’t feel that I have truly gotten there. I don’t feel like I want to fully accept that I am an unloving person.

But I would hope, that when I do, I would actually want to change.