Letter to God: "All these things shall be added to you"

I have started more than 5 blogs in my life. When I started this one, I tried to find a good name. I couldn't think of anything else that wasn't already taken. I decided to use "The Journal of Theo." It wouldn't have been my first choice, but, as someone who has been writing for a long time, I know what it is to regret my choice of words.

Well, until I make a new blog with another name, this shall have to do for now. With the name, I figured I would share more of the personal letters I have written to God. I have more than a hundred stored on my Google Docs account. But I have not done so. The reasons I've used are as follows.

1. I'm too lazy.

2. Nobody cares.

3. They are not good enough.

4. AJ doesn't share much about his personal conversations with God. There must be a reason for that that I don't know of yet.

Well, I thought I'd break convention and share one with you today. Submitted, for what it's worth, is the following:

God, how do I prioritize You in my life?

When I think about what I need to live, it’s things like clean water, clean air, decent shelter, clothing, and access to transportation.

It’s tempting to say, “I don’t need You.”

But without You, I would not even have the gift of life or to make my own decisions.

So I do need You. I have been told that the very Universe I dwell in resides in You.

But You have provided me a path to live my life ignoring You. And to be completely honest, I’m pretty happy doing that. I rarely think about You when I conduct my daily activities. Moment to moment, I gauge how much fear I have before I choose what action to take. I don’t ask, “What is the more loving action to take?” Or if I do, I often ignore the answer altogether and simply do what will help me to avoid my fear a little bit longer.

Once I heard the story of a man, perhaps a saint, who was tired of his life of sin, and ripped off his clothes in the town square, vowing to follow You. Sometimes I want to do that. I want to live a life of meager means and preach the gospel truth.

But isn’t that a little flashy? Maybe that was the best thing for him to do. What is the best thing for me, Theo Kirkley, to do? Is there one action that I may take that would make my path to You easier?

Does it all begin in my heart? My heart is so dark. I think petty, cheap, angry, judgmental, greedy thoughts all day long. How can You change a heart like mine? I would rather do something flashy than spend a millennia trying to remove every lump of coal out of the mountain of coal in my heart.

Perhaps I can receive Your love. I am always told of that. But when do I get it? I doubt when I receive it. After all, I am also told that I am always heavily influenced and attacked by spirits. How can I trust that Your love will pull me out of sin? Or pull sin out of me?

I don’t trust You. Not really. Not most of the day.

I have also heard that it’s not that I should seek Your Kingdom but Your Love and all these things shall be added to You.

I want all those things. I want health and wealth and freedom from pain - I want freedom from mental anguish, from my many lusts.

Isn’t that a lie? If I wanted those things, I would live differently. I would not seek temptation and anguish. I would see that overeating leads to illness and anguish. Lusting over women and not praying for You to show me the one You have in mind for me leads to great anguish.

I try to put some time in my day to talk to You - to at least tell You about my concerns. Who knows? Maybe that is the best way forward.