When I first discovered the Divine Truth teachings in December of 2014, I found them fascinating. These were philosophical ideas that were exciting to contemplate. Could they really explain who God was, what love was, and who we are? Even if they weren’t true, there was the possibility of them being true and that was enough to satisfy my curiosity and continuous engagement.
The more I listened to them, the more fascinated I became. Burning questions I had were answered. First one, then another, then another, and so on. I kept saying, “Oh that’s how that works.” Then, soon after, I would feel doubt. I would ask myself, “You don’t really believe this is the Truth? Where’s your proof?”
Then there were the things I didn’t agree with. I didn’t agree that God made homosexual people. It didn’t make any sense to me. There were also other things I didn’t agree with like how God would let bad things happen to me. So bad things happen to me, my life sucks, and now it’s my fault because I don’t want to feel my emotions? Um, no. That’s bullshit.
Over time, the issue of homosexuals lessened a bit. I remember conversations I had with gays and lesbians. I remembered how many of them testified to “trying” to change themselves only to realize they had always been this way. It wasn’t what they asked for - it was a part of them.
And then there was all the rest of it. I always thought violence was wrong - that there was never an excuse for it. And here was someone that was agreeing with that and explaining why that was the case.
I also didn’t believe in the Trinity, or meat-eating or any number of other things. I couldn’t take someone seriously who thought those things were good.
So I relented on the homosexual thing. I thought, “if he’s right about 95%, how can he be wrong about that?”
Then I started my honeymoon phase. I started telling people about it. I would hardly shut up about it. What was the response from others? Most people seemed slightly interested but even they seemed like they were trying to be polite. No one asked me leading questions - no one wanted to know more than what I had to say. And usually people couldn’t handle the idea that AJ was Jesus.
I had to reconsider my strategy. Maybe it was wrong to be bull-headed about this stuff. And AJ seemed to be saying that too. You can’t force things on people. I liked that idea but didn’t know how to put it into practice.
I tried NOT talking about it. That was difficult because it was what I personally was interested in.
I noticed how often people shared their opinion in everyday conversation. “You know there’s always a dark side for everything that’s good.” “Well, I guess that’s just the way things are.” “It is what it is.” “There’s nothing you can do to change things, so why bother?”
All these ideas were opinions shared with me that I flat out disagreed with. Was I supposed to stay silent? I found that when I stayed silent, people felt that I gave them permission to continue. Then they would just drone on and on. I felt like people were just spewing crap at me.
The “polite” thing to do was to listen to them. But that wasn’t the loving thing to do. The loving thing to do was to tell them, “listen, honestly, I totally disagree with you and I don’t want to hear anymore.”
Sometimes I would tell them that. But I found that when I was in a professional field, people would get upset with me if I said something like that. Then I became scared of losing my job.
I ended up telling people what I believed. Sometimes I would tell them about the Divine Truth teachings. That would be enough to get them to be quiet. Sure, they might think I was crazy but at least they wouldn’t keep throwing their garbage in my face.
I went through similar struggles with my friends and family. Disagreeing with them or telling them the truth of what I thought would be very confronting for them.
In addition, the teachings made me question what was going on between myself and my parents. Was I emotionally enmeshed with my mother? Was I competing with my father for her love? Why was I so competitive all the time? Why did I get angry and judgmental when I saw people do even the simplest things? Sometimes, I could catch movement with my eye, cast my gaze in a certain direction, see someone do the most innocent thing, and notice a feeling of anger rise in my heart? What the hell is going on? Who am I?
My parents, sisters, and friends were no different than people at work. They would say things that I found I could not agree with. Ultimately I had to let them know. Then the question was, where to stop? Do I tell them a little or a lot? I knew telling someone my beliefs just to shut them up was wrong. So then I asked, how can you tell when someone is not interested?
I started seeing small signs here and there. The biggest one was when someone didn’t say something like, “Tell me more,” or even simply “How does that work?” Other things like the amount of attention someone gives you, visual cues on their face, or in their gaze would tell me where they were at.
It was an interesting time. I came to find out that most people were not interested in the Divine Truth teachings. And yet here were AJ and Mary who had people surrounding them sometimes peppering them with questions. Why was I not attracting people who were as interested in these teachings as I was?
The answer to that, of course, was that there was something amiss in me. I had some error that meant people did not want to know from me.
As time went on, I came to see all my faults and drawbacks. My low self-esteem, my arrogance, my judgment of myself and others, my many addictions, my desire to lie and hold different facades according to the person. I began writing down all my problems and by golly, there were a lot of them.
Then I had some very interesting interactions with people. I started to get a singularly fascinating question. “Is this helping you?”
That question really got me. Of course it was. Right? I mean of course it would. I was so happy to learn all that I learned. Maybe no one will understand how much I wanted to know what I wanted to know. No one seems to understand or care how hard it is to believe in a loving God when seemingly everyone around you wants to deny it. Even the ones that agree in a loving God usually want to use Jesus as a crutch which was another thing I detested.
I felt alone in the world. If God was there, maybe he truly didn’t care.
Then I find all these ideas and, I don’t know, it struck a chord in me. I can’t explain it. I don’t know why it had such an effect on me or what that means.
But does it help me? Shit. I don’t fucking know. Do I like my life or how it’s going? Ok maybe not. Ok, definitely not. I don’t like myself much. I’m mad at myself and everyone all the time. I don’t know what’s going on with me and I definitely don’t want to disengage from my addictions so I probably won’t get better.
Well, fuck.
It was on one such occasion when I was talking to my father where I heard the titular question.
“How long have you been following these teachings?”
“I don’t know, maybe five years?”
“Ok, do you think things are getting better in your life?”
I didn’t know how to answer that. If I said what I felt, which was "no," then I felt I would have to submit to whatever alternative he would likely suggest. So instead, I sophistically asked a question in return.
“Why does that matter?”
“Well, if you are applying someone’s teaching in your life, but you’re seeing no positive results, maybe they’re not good teachings.”
My heart sank. His logic was sound.
I left that conversation, as I left so many, feeling depleted.
It took me a while to process what he said. Surely the problem was that I wasn’t applying the teachings correctly. But I thought I had? Hadn’t I prayed? Hadn’t I sometimes received God’s love?
But what about my anger? Why is that not lessening? What about my health problems that seem to be accelerating? What about the weight I’m gaining or the fact I can’t seem to follow any passions I have - let alone succeed in them?
Maybe my father was right.
I thought about dropping it all. I felt such a pain then - a deep deep, profound and hollow pain. It was the same pain I felt when I was an atheist. If there was no God, life really did not seem worth it at all. The philosophies of the ancients, of the mystiques, of the Buddhists, the hindus, the yogis - all of them were interesting but none of it mattered to me if there was no God.
I had adopted a new way of looking at the world. I didn’t know how to walk back from that. I didn’t know how to turn it off.
It’s been a few years since my father asked me that question. I haven’t talked to him. Maybe because I’m so mad at him for trying to get me to dismiss these teachings. At some point I asked myself, do I want what he has? Because if I followed his advice I’d probably get more of what he has. The answer my heart gave was, “No.”
Now for the interesting part. I now have an answer to the question my father and others posed to me.
It’s pretty simple really. And many people will take it for granted.
I don’t want to feel my fear.
And what’s more, I don’t want to feel my terror.
See there’s something deep inside me that I just refuse to deal with. It’s the thing that comes up when you’ve let go of your addictions: abject, monstrous, overwhelming fear.
Just that. Fear.
And like I said in the beginning, it’s been 8 and a half years that I’ve been watching Divine Truth videos. I should know what to expect. I should be at one with God by now right?
I often joke with myself that the Divine Truth is my television program. “What’s on the TV today? Ah, looks like we have a channeled message. Oh goody. I like those!” “Hmm… what’s on the old boob tube today? Aha! I can learn more about how to receive God’s love! Cool, that sounds like it will be important!”
And all the while, I reject the important work I know I have to do.
It’s not like I haven’t tried (or so I tell myself). I mean, there was that one time I went without sugar for 2 weeks. Eleven days into it, I was walking home from work. I suddenly felt like a large invisible bird swept down and knocked me on my head so that I nearly fell over.
No, I didn’t trip over anything. I just suddenly felt this powerful arrow of fear pierce my heart.
Did I say arrow? No, it was more like a battering ram. A really, really big battering ram. Like for a super-big castle. How big of a battering ram can you make? You’d have to have some pretty big wheels...
Anyway, what was I talking about? TV?
No, I was talking about fear. Yeah. I don’t like it very much.
There was this other time where I took a nap in my apartment. Next minute, I was a mile away at my workplace in the breakroom. There were two of my co-workers there and there I was hovering in the corner. To my surprise, they start talking about me... talking about how weird I was.
The more I listened to them, the more fascinated I became. Burning questions I had were answered. First one, then another, then another, and so on. I kept saying, “Oh that’s how that works.” Then, soon after, I would feel doubt. I would ask myself, “You don’t really believe this is the Truth? Where’s your proof?”
Then there were the things I didn’t agree with. I didn’t agree that God made homosexual people. It didn’t make any sense to me. There were also other things I didn’t agree with like how God would let bad things happen to me. So bad things happen to me, my life sucks, and now it’s my fault because I don’t want to feel my emotions? Um, no. That’s bullshit.
Over time, the issue of homosexuals lessened a bit. I remember conversations I had with gays and lesbians. I remembered how many of them testified to “trying” to change themselves only to realize they had always been this way. It wasn’t what they asked for - it was a part of them.
And then there was all the rest of it. I always thought violence was wrong - that there was never an excuse for it. And here was someone that was agreeing with that and explaining why that was the case.
I also didn’t believe in the Trinity, or meat-eating or any number of other things. I couldn’t take someone seriously who thought those things were good.
So I relented on the homosexual thing. I thought, “if he’s right about 95%, how can he be wrong about that?”
Then I started my honeymoon phase. I started telling people about it. I would hardly shut up about it. What was the response from others? Most people seemed slightly interested but even they seemed like they were trying to be polite. No one asked me leading questions - no one wanted to know more than what I had to say. And usually people couldn’t handle the idea that AJ was Jesus.
I had to reconsider my strategy. Maybe it was wrong to be bull-headed about this stuff. And AJ seemed to be saying that too. You can’t force things on people. I liked that idea but didn’t know how to put it into practice.
I tried NOT talking about it. That was difficult because it was what I personally was interested in.
I noticed how often people shared their opinion in everyday conversation. “You know there’s always a dark side for everything that’s good.” “Well, I guess that’s just the way things are.” “It is what it is.” “There’s nothing you can do to change things, so why bother?”
All these ideas were opinions shared with me that I flat out disagreed with. Was I supposed to stay silent? I found that when I stayed silent, people felt that I gave them permission to continue. Then they would just drone on and on. I felt like people were just spewing crap at me.
The “polite” thing to do was to listen to them. But that wasn’t the loving thing to do. The loving thing to do was to tell them, “listen, honestly, I totally disagree with you and I don’t want to hear anymore.”
Sometimes I would tell them that. But I found that when I was in a professional field, people would get upset with me if I said something like that. Then I became scared of losing my job.
I ended up telling people what I believed. Sometimes I would tell them about the Divine Truth teachings. That would be enough to get them to be quiet. Sure, they might think I was crazy but at least they wouldn’t keep throwing their garbage in my face.
I went through similar struggles with my friends and family. Disagreeing with them or telling them the truth of what I thought would be very confronting for them.
In addition, the teachings made me question what was going on between myself and my parents. Was I emotionally enmeshed with my mother? Was I competing with my father for her love? Why was I so competitive all the time? Why did I get angry and judgmental when I saw people do even the simplest things? Sometimes, I could catch movement with my eye, cast my gaze in a certain direction, see someone do the most innocent thing, and notice a feeling of anger rise in my heart? What the hell is going on? Who am I?
My parents, sisters, and friends were no different than people at work. They would say things that I found I could not agree with. Ultimately I had to let them know. Then the question was, where to stop? Do I tell them a little or a lot? I knew telling someone my beliefs just to shut them up was wrong. So then I asked, how can you tell when someone is not interested?
I started seeing small signs here and there. The biggest one was when someone didn’t say something like, “Tell me more,” or even simply “How does that work?” Other things like the amount of attention someone gives you, visual cues on their face, or in their gaze would tell me where they were at.
It was an interesting time. I came to find out that most people were not interested in the Divine Truth teachings. And yet here were AJ and Mary who had people surrounding them sometimes peppering them with questions. Why was I not attracting people who were as interested in these teachings as I was?
The answer to that, of course, was that there was something amiss in me. I had some error that meant people did not want to know from me.
As time went on, I came to see all my faults and drawbacks. My low self-esteem, my arrogance, my judgment of myself and others, my many addictions, my desire to lie and hold different facades according to the person. I began writing down all my problems and by golly, there were a lot of them.
Then I had some very interesting interactions with people. I started to get a singularly fascinating question. “Is this helping you?”
That question really got me. Of course it was. Right? I mean of course it would. I was so happy to learn all that I learned. Maybe no one will understand how much I wanted to know what I wanted to know. No one seems to understand or care how hard it is to believe in a loving God when seemingly everyone around you wants to deny it. Even the ones that agree in a loving God usually want to use Jesus as a crutch which was another thing I detested.
I felt alone in the world. If God was there, maybe he truly didn’t care.
Then I find all these ideas and, I don’t know, it struck a chord in me. I can’t explain it. I don’t know why it had such an effect on me or what that means.
But does it help me? Shit. I don’t fucking know. Do I like my life or how it’s going? Ok maybe not. Ok, definitely not. I don’t like myself much. I’m mad at myself and everyone all the time. I don’t know what’s going on with me and I definitely don’t want to disengage from my addictions so I probably won’t get better.
Well, fuck.
It was on one such occasion when I was talking to my father where I heard the titular question.
“How long have you been following these teachings?”
“I don’t know, maybe five years?”
“Ok, do you think things are getting better in your life?”
I didn’t know how to answer that. If I said what I felt, which was "no," then I felt I would have to submit to whatever alternative he would likely suggest. So instead, I sophistically asked a question in return.
“Why does that matter?”
“Well, if you are applying someone’s teaching in your life, but you’re seeing no positive results, maybe they’re not good teachings.”
My heart sank. His logic was sound.
I left that conversation, as I left so many, feeling depleted.
It took me a while to process what he said. Surely the problem was that I wasn’t applying the teachings correctly. But I thought I had? Hadn’t I prayed? Hadn’t I sometimes received God’s love?
But what about my anger? Why is that not lessening? What about my health problems that seem to be accelerating? What about the weight I’m gaining or the fact I can’t seem to follow any passions I have - let alone succeed in them?
Maybe my father was right.
I thought about dropping it all. I felt such a pain then - a deep deep, profound and hollow pain. It was the same pain I felt when I was an atheist. If there was no God, life really did not seem worth it at all. The philosophies of the ancients, of the mystiques, of the Buddhists, the hindus, the yogis - all of them were interesting but none of it mattered to me if there was no God.
I had adopted a new way of looking at the world. I didn’t know how to walk back from that. I didn’t know how to turn it off.
It’s been a few years since my father asked me that question. I haven’t talked to him. Maybe because I’m so mad at him for trying to get me to dismiss these teachings. At some point I asked myself, do I want what he has? Because if I followed his advice I’d probably get more of what he has. The answer my heart gave was, “No.”
Now for the interesting part. I now have an answer to the question my father and others posed to me.
It’s pretty simple really. And many people will take it for granted.
I don’t want to feel my fear.
And what’s more, I don’t want to feel my terror.
See there’s something deep inside me that I just refuse to deal with. It’s the thing that comes up when you’ve let go of your addictions: abject, monstrous, overwhelming fear.
Just that. Fear.
And like I said in the beginning, it’s been 8 and a half years that I’ve been watching Divine Truth videos. I should know what to expect. I should be at one with God by now right?
I often joke with myself that the Divine Truth is my television program. “What’s on the TV today? Ah, looks like we have a channeled message. Oh goody. I like those!” “Hmm… what’s on the old boob tube today? Aha! I can learn more about how to receive God’s love! Cool, that sounds like it will be important!”
And all the while, I reject the important work I know I have to do.
It’s not like I haven’t tried (or so I tell myself). I mean, there was that one time I went without sugar for 2 weeks. Eleven days into it, I was walking home from work. I suddenly felt like a large invisible bird swept down and knocked me on my head so that I nearly fell over.
No, I didn’t trip over anything. I just suddenly felt this powerful arrow of fear pierce my heart.
Did I say arrow? No, it was more like a battering ram. A really, really big battering ram. Like for a super-big castle. How big of a battering ram can you make? You’d have to have some pretty big wheels...
Anyway, what was I talking about? TV?
No, I was talking about fear. Yeah. I don’t like it very much.
There was this other time where I took a nap in my apartment. Next minute, I was a mile away at my workplace in the breakroom. There were two of my co-workers there and there I was hovering in the corner. To my surprise, they start talking about me... talking about how weird I was.
Mmm… that didn’t feel good. Suddenly, I am back in my apartment waking up from my nap. Did I just astral travel?
No, no I didn’t. I couldn’t have. That’s not real. That doesn’t happen. Bullshit. Sorry. Nope.
Oh, that reminds me. Don’t I have to clean my room for 2 hours straight? Yeah, let me get to that. I don’t like how I’m feeling. It’s ok. I’ll clean up. My mom said that’s what a good boy does. I’m just going to clean up. I don’t like thinking about astral travel or anything like that or how it feels to be ostracized from a group. Oh, man, I am doing really good cleaning up these dishes. Awesome.
So yeah, anyway, I don’t much like fear. Supposedly, it’s just an emotion - just a simple airy-fairy, everything’s good, no problem emotion. Haha. No problem at all.
Sorry if this is long-winded. I just wanted you to get the drift of how I try to ignore this core problem that I have. I’ve done a lot of coping.
The last time I really tried to feel my fear was 9 months ago. I thought I really wanted to do it then. Turns out I don’t want to.
So John and all my friends and family, if you’re out there and you want to know why these teachings don’t seem to be helping me, that’s why. It’s because of how little I want to feel the real stuff - the stuff deep down.
I don’t want to dismantle my addictions. I don’t want to dismantle my facade. No, I’d rather pretend everything is just peachy!
I know that you probably won’t understand what I’m saying because, you probably think everything’s peachy too.
I don’t know what it takes to get there. I don’t know if I have to pray more or make little knicks at the wall of fear until I get somewhere.
Um, we’ll see I guess? I hate saying “we’ll see.” Why does everyone say that? You might as well say, “I don’t want to do anything to change anything until circumstances force my hand.”
Well, I guess that really is what I’m saying… mmm… doesn’t seem like a great way to end this but there it is.
No, no I didn’t. I couldn’t have. That’s not real. That doesn’t happen. Bullshit. Sorry. Nope.
Oh, that reminds me. Don’t I have to clean my room for 2 hours straight? Yeah, let me get to that. I don’t like how I’m feeling. It’s ok. I’ll clean up. My mom said that’s what a good boy does. I’m just going to clean up. I don’t like thinking about astral travel or anything like that or how it feels to be ostracized from a group. Oh, man, I am doing really good cleaning up these dishes. Awesome.
So yeah, anyway, I don’t much like fear. Supposedly, it’s just an emotion - just a simple airy-fairy, everything’s good, no problem emotion. Haha. No problem at all.
Sorry if this is long-winded. I just wanted you to get the drift of how I try to ignore this core problem that I have. I’ve done a lot of coping.
The last time I really tried to feel my fear was 9 months ago. I thought I really wanted to do it then. Turns out I don’t want to.
So John and all my friends and family, if you’re out there and you want to know why these teachings don’t seem to be helping me, that’s why. It’s because of how little I want to feel the real stuff - the stuff deep down.
I don’t want to dismantle my addictions. I don’t want to dismantle my facade. No, I’d rather pretend everything is just peachy!
I know that you probably won’t understand what I’m saying because, you probably think everything’s peachy too.
I don’t know what it takes to get there. I don’t know if I have to pray more or make little knicks at the wall of fear until I get somewhere.
Um, we’ll see I guess? I hate saying “we’ll see.” Why does everyone say that? You might as well say, “I don’t want to do anything to change anything until circumstances force my hand.”
Well, I guess that really is what I’m saying… mmm… doesn’t seem like a great way to end this but there it is.
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