The Deep and Vast Chasm between What I Think I Want and What I Actually Want

I want to know about God.

God will betray me just like everyone else does. But I'm smart enough to never engage because I won't give Ler the satisfaction.

I want God's Love.

I don't want God's Love.

I want to be a moviemaker.

The thought of working towards creative works makes me cringe and recoil. I want to avoid people that will attack me and say I am a religious, glassy-eyed, white supremacist.

I want to follow the Divine Truth teachings.

I want a philosophy that I can use to shut people up whenever they try to tell me something that triggers me.

I want to be responsible in love. I want to have a nice little house in a nice part of town and be a respectable citizen.

I want to depend on the good will of society. They have hurt me and I believe they want to kill or enslave me. I might as well take whatever I can from society while they still offer it.