I grew up loving movies. Watching them had a profound effect on me. However, I felt the messages many of them sent were unkind. It was rare for a character to mention their relationship with God or to mention God at all. If God was mentioned, it was sometimes to declare that Le (my pronoun for God) may exist but doesn't care about us.
I also found growing up that I love to perform in front of others. I thought I could bring these two things together by performing in movies that helped people. But I soon learned that the life of an actor can be very difficult. Many actors make films not because they believe in the project but to keep their career going and to avoid money fears. There also aren't many projects like The Lion King or What Dreams May Come with storylines that inspire.
So I thought I would take the producing and directing mantle and try to create projects that I would love to watch even if I couldn't perform in them.
I made my first short film in Connecticut then moved down to Austin, Texas to be part of the film scene down there. But I soon found that my addictions with women, food, and self-judgment overpowered me. I also had a crisis of faith that led me to attempt to kill myself.
I tried to rekindle my faith when I returned to Connecticut but found the same major issues hampering me. I tried to end my life again and couldn't do it. I moved to Fargo, North Dakota and planned to try one more time. But I couldn't do it. I moved into a homeless shelter and then found work and humdrummed along in life.
A few years into my stay in North Dakota, I found the Divine Truth teachings. It marked a major turning point in my life. Here was someone saying there was a God and Le wanted me to follow my dreams.
I made another go of my filmmaking aspirations when I moved to Chicago, Illinois. But again, I was hampered by my main issues in life. I also believed I could make an hour and half movie (feature-length). I ended up dreaming about a storyline and writing story ideas and plans down but never writing the script.
When Covid hit, I thought society was collapsing. My own internal world was no different. I lost my job and my fear of racial violence was heightened. As far as I was concerned, I was an abject failure in life. Nothing had really changed. I wanted to kill myself but felt that was futile. Even if I succeeded, I had some belief that my life in the spirit world would be not so different except I would have the added regret of giving up the possibility of progressing on earth and helping my brothers and sisters more in that way.
I gave up on my moviemaking dream and joined family down in Colorado. I worked there for 2 and a half years and began shifting my focus in life. The Divine Truth teachings were so powerful to me. Every time I tried to ignore their principles, I would see anger, bitterness, jealousy, and other generally harmful ideas in other principles. And my development in love was slow. If I really wanted to help people, I had to work more on myself. Feeling and releasing my emotions became my chief aim.
I began to look for land where I could have a small place where I could feel my emotions. I went to Texas looking for that land, then found some in New Mexico and moved out there.
So here I am in Taos, New Mexico. And I ended up losing the land I originally bought. It turns out there were several problems with the land. It's hard to access, sound travels well in that area which means I easily disturb other when emotionally processing, and I ended up choosing to trade the land although my trade partner did not fulfill his end.
Where do I go from here? I have been in Taos about 8 months. I have lived in a bus, a homeless shelter, and then moved in to a place with a roommate. I still have not created a place for myself where I can regularly and consistently feel my emotions. I am beginning to believe that is because I don't want to.
But it still remains an aim of mine to spend more time releasing my emotions. I have had 2 weeks where my roommate has been away and I have been able to take about an hour a day feeling my emotions. That ain't much but it's better than before.
I don't know where to go from here. But I've learned significant lessons while staying in Taos.
I followed my desire to be a part of a local theatrical production. I learned that I do still have a desire to perform in front of others. I also am talented at it. I think this is partly to do with the work I put into it but also stems from my desire to do the work. There are very few things I enjoy doing (partially because of how self-critical I am) but the play was one thing I could say I really enjoyed more than other things.
I was offered other local parts afterwards but they didn't have the moral fiber in the story to make me interested in them. I realized that I have to love the story to be motivated to do good work. I knew that if I took those parts it would be like how most actors do most parts. They choose the money over the story. I would do it, worry about my career, and ultimately hate the entire process.
I also took a film class at the local university. I failed the class by not doing most of the assignments. There was one assignment that I did well, however. It was to make a short film. I put a lot of time and effort into it, it came out well, and I am proud of my work. It also moved many people.
From this, the earlier point of following your desires is even more proved to myself. I chose the work that meant more to me. I still learned a lot in class, but I didn't engage my addiction of making the teacher happy and getting an A. Perhaps my school career was diminished, but my long-term life education was supported.
Another thing I will say is that, while I worked on these two passion projects, I became very lucky. Things seemed to go very smoothly once I committed to doing these projects. The Divine Truth teachings also say that you have a lot of support from God's Laws and loving spirits when you choose to follow your passion in life. God seemed intent to prove that to me during that time.
I believed getting land would help solve my problem of not feeling comfortable releasing my emotions. But I lost the land and still found other ways to feel my emotions. Finding a remote place to park my car and feel my emotions inside my car is one way that has been beneficial for me.
I don't have a clear reason to stay in Taos but I don't have a clear reason to move away either. It seems 90% obvious to me now that moving does not solve personal problems.
I believe God still wants to work with us and waits for our personal desire to be engaged. So I look for the next lesson.
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