Think about the human butt.
I'm a heterosexual man. I have sexual desires. I look at women and feel certain things.
I was told growing up that you are not supposed to look at women. You're not supposed to fantasize about them. You're not supposed to think about them.
How the fuck do you do that? Let's qualify that first command: "You're not supposed to look at women." Well, of course you have to look at them sometimes. But I guess it means you're not supposed to look at certain parts of them - the parts that we know are sexual parts. But what are those? What are the sexual parts? Are they the breasts, vagina, buttocks, and legs? That's already quite a bit of a woman's body. So don't look at any of those parts? I did a little experiment where I specifically did not look at those parts of a woman for a bit. I found myself looking at other parts - feet, hair, shoulders. I still noticed a feeling of inexplicable attraction come up inside of me.
It's not about the parts.
So maybe you can look at a woman but simply remove all sexual thoughts from out of you. When are you having a sexual thought, though? When does thinking about a woman cross over into an evil act?
That's hard to define. You have millions of thoughts. You can't police them all. You can have a thought pop into your head like, "I'd like to see her without her clothes on." Then you can push it away. But you know you had it. And then, when it appears again, you can push that away too. But if it happens over and over and over again and you find yourself drawn towards that person and you're interacting with them and, if they seem receptive to you, and something else happens and you meet up somewhere and you get close and you seem to both be interested in engaging sexually with each other and you actually begin engaging sexually, well... that's when you know you're thoughts had some weight. You can see a relationship between thinking about something a lot and then going and doing it.
The going and doing it is bad (I was told) and the thinking of it is bad too. I'm not sure if the doing is the worse thing. That was never clear. You could say thinking of it was wrong because you know you're going to do it. So is it not good to think it because you're going to do it?
In the church I was raised in, they talked about intention and motivation. What's your motivation? Do you have a pure motivation?
I never found it easy to answer that question. You're not supposed to lie, of course. But it seemed that the truth was that there were times where my motivation was good and times where it wasn't. And to closely analyze all that would take too much time. If I was asked, "Do you think you're a good person?" I would answer, "It depends."
I want to think about the butt. The problem with the butt is that there is an anal cavity between the buttocks.
It's so weird how life works. There are things. If I was a pure materialist, I would say everything is a thing. But not everything is a thing. People aren't things. It's a reduction to say people are things. They're not. They're more than things. And most philosophers can't tell you why they're not things except to present some unproven theory about how they feel or about other dimensions of our being or there being a soul or a spirit or whatever or some crap about consciousness.
I just look at a butt. And I know that butts have buttholes. And I know that's a sore subject. And I want to talk about it because it is a sore subject.
If I don't talk about sore subjects, I'm not going to be happy. It's all the sore subjects that mess up my life. All the subjects that are not sore are doing ok. All the sore subjects are not doing ok.
So when I think about the butt and the butthole it contains, I ask myself, "Is the butt the butthole?" I mean is the purpose of the butt and its shape the butthole? It's nice to have butt cheeks to sit on. I like that. I don't want to sit here and write only about the butthole and totally disregard the importance of the cheeks that surround the hole. I'm not here to call the butt cheeks inferior in their nature to the butthole.
But if I talked about the butt just being the butt cheeks, I know some asshole would come along and say, "Hey man, a butt is not just the butt cheeks. Don't be discriminatory like that." And then I would say, "Hey bro, don't rain on my parade here. I was having a careful philosophical examination of the butt and here you come and ruin it."
But he has a point. If the butt had no hole, it might not need cheeks. It would be two large muscly masses without cleavage.
Anyway, I guess I mostly want to talk about it because I feel so much shame about looking at women's butts.
I don't know why I want to look at a woman's butt so much or why certain women's butts are attractive and others aren't.
It feels like a fetish. And fetishes typically are desires that you push down so hard until they emerge with a vengeance and often in a violent way that ends up hurting people. In most cases, people want to keep their fetishes a secret.
And I don't like secrets.
Sun Myung Moon said in a more ideal world, human beings wouldn't have trouble having sex in public. That resonated with me. It seemed like people were so embarrassed about their sexuality and what they wanted that that was a large part of why people had sex in closed quarters.
If sex is a beautiful thing created by God, why do parents sneak around to do it? If you experience orgasmic sensations while having sex, why do you muffle your voice rather than express that? What's wrong with expressing pleasure with your vocal cords?
But there's another side to all this. Having sex in public could be perceived as an orgy. If someone touches you and you don't want them to, that would be a significant border crossing.
Well, I suppose I am not going to be able to talk about everything I wanted to. Sometimes, when I raise certain topics and ask certain questions, I find myself confused and feel like I'm on uneven footing.
I think that's why I was drawn to the Divine Truth teachings. I've heard so many people say so much about who God is and what a human being is and I found so many things inconsistent when you drill down further. Then you raise the inconsistency and you're shunned from the group.
I needed something where everything fits.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of work to do to prove the things I have heard and I find it difficult to make any statement or hypothesis when I don't actually know if my underlying assumption is the truth.
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