The Journal of Theo

I walked to the pond in the apple orchard to see if it was still there and for other reasons. There are other things I could have done but none of them I wanted to do and it came to the point that I couldn't convince myself of their importance. The pond was there and I tried to remember that I didn't have to be anywhere else and all my thoughts seemed drenched in my surroundings so that I felt a kind of peace. There was no place I had to be, no task I had to complete. I stretched out my hand to touch the top of a dry blade of grass. There was no reason for it, at least none that I could explain. I thought I would find the reason as I did it but even then no reason came. I felt comfort  but suddenly I became afraid of being called lazy. The blade of grass disappeared and so did the pond and all was fear.

Does God want to support me in conducting research on.... The Truth? You'd think, "Yeah, sure." But I have misgivings about it. I mean, it makes sense in a way but I believe strongly that if you're not working your ass off, you're a bad person. In other words, "Go get a job, you leech!" Then I think, "Well, if it's true that you can feel and release certain grief emotions and then heal your body, um, shouldn't we conduct some research and find out?" Don't people get paid lots of money to do research into curing diseases? I was sitting on the toilet and I had a bad thought about my roommate. Then I was like, "Oh no, that probably matters." I mean, unloving feelings and thoughts have real world effects. So then I'm like, "Well, damn it, I should go feel that." But then I thought, I get thoughts like that all the time - not just towards my roommate but my friends, co-workers, acquaintances, family members, bosse...

Think about the human butt. I'm a heterosexual man. I have sexual desires. I look at women and feel certain things. I was told growing up that you are not supposed to look at women. You're not supposed to fantasize about them. You're not supposed to think about them. How the fuck do you do that? Let's qualify that first command: "You're not supposed to look at women." Well, of course you have to look at them sometimes. But I guess it means you're not supposed to look at certain parts of them - the parts that we know are sexual parts. But what are those? What are the sexual parts? Are they the breasts, vagina, buttocks, and legs? That's already quite a bit of a woman's body. So don't look at any of those parts? I did a little experiment where I specifically did not look at those parts of a woman for a bit. I found myself looking at other parts - feet, hair, shoulders. I still noticed a feeling of inexplicable attraction come up inside of me....