The Journal of Theo

When I first discovered the Divine Truth teachings in December of 2014, I found them fascinating. These were philosophical ideas that were exciting to contemplate. Could they really explain who God was, what love was, and who we are? Even if they weren’t true, there was the possibility of them being true and that was enough to satisfy my curiosity and continuous engagement. The more I listened to them, the more fascinated I became. Burning questions I had were answered. First one, then another, then another, and so on. I kept saying, “Oh that’s how that works.” Then, soon after, I would feel doubt. I would ask myself, “You don’t really believe this is the Truth? Where’s your proof?” Then there were the things I didn’t agree with. I didn’t agree that God made homosexual people. It didn’t make any sense to me. There were also other things I didn’t agree with like how God would let bad things happen to me. So bad things happen to me, my life sucks, and now it’s my fault because I don’t wa...

A flower began growing in my garden It made me shudder For the old woman next door might see it When she wasn’t around I took to my garden And plucked the wretched thing The next morn I noticed it bloom again I cried out and ran out to pluck it But it would not do The roots were deep And so I had to uproot the whole plant I dug down deep and rooted it all out A month passed and then two Another cursed plant popped out And threatened to spring forth Fed up and frustrated I went out and shot the damn thing Then I mowed over the whole area I covered over the plants With a black net I found Then rocks and boulders I covered it all Till surely no plant would grow And no one would ever know

I have a lot of doubt in God. -In Ler Goodness, Ler mercy, etc. (I often use Le/Ler/Lers pronouns for God) But for all my doubts, I appreciate many things about God. Everyone seems so hell-bent on getting me to stop listening to Alan John Miller. And when I talk about the things I've learned from him, people usually dismiss me. It's so damn frustrating (another emotion to feel I'm sure). Today I got rid of the last contact on my phone who is not related to work or an account I have. So I guess as far as my phone contact list is concerned, I don't have friends. And I feel a kind of righteous indignation about that. If nobody around me cares about learning more about who our Parent is, how loving Le is, or how amazing the soul Le created is, I don't really need them. I know I have emotions to feel about that. Maybe once I feel my anger on this subject my friend group will increase. But one thing people don't seem to understand - one thing people can't seem to ...

  Dear Heavenly Potter, Are you my mudder or my fodder? I was driving to UNM Taos this morning. I was thinking about getting some coffee but I knew I would load it with sugar which ain’t mmgood for me. I tried intellectually talking myself out of it. “Don’t do it. Don’t do it. It’s bad.. Because of these reasons. Here’s a few reasons.” Then I maturely expressed each reason. I thought I appealed to some smart side of myself - thought I solved the problem. But then I saw a little gas station that was right on my way and I said, “Fuck it,” hit the brakes, and turned in. When I saw a woman speedily open the front door and got a lusty look at her bottom, I instantly thought, “Damn, I wish I had some of that in my life.” There was a time where I would push away such thoughts. Now I try to be more honest and just listen to myself. Whatever I am feeling, I try to voice it. Sadly, there is so much ugliness inside of me, I just don’t know how to deal with it. Noticing and comprehending the m...

I have started more than 5 blogs in my life. When I started this one, I tried to find a good name. I couldn't think of anything else that wasn't already taken. I decided to use "The Journal of Theo." It wouldn't have been my first choice, but, as someone who has been writing for a long time, I know what it is to regret my choice of words. Well, until I make a new blog with another name, this shall have to do for now. With the name, I figured I would share more of the personal letters I have written to God. I have more than a hundred stored on my Google Docs account. But I have not done so. The reasons I've used are as follows. 1. I'm too lazy. 2. Nobody cares. 3. They are not good enough. 4. AJ doesn't share much about his personal conversations with God. There must be a reason for that that I don't know of yet. Well, I thought I'd break convention and share one with you today. Submitted, for what it's worth, is the following: God, how do I...

Recently, I applied for membership to an Intentional Community (IC) here in Texas. An IC is a group of people who share similar ethical values who live together on a plot of land. After writing a letter of intent, I was given a Questionnaire to fill out. I found the Questionnaire very engaging. I was able to learn more about myself and also more about what is important to the people at this particular IC. I thought I would post the Questionnaire and my own responses here for those who may be interested in ICs and my current worldview. I made a few visits to the IC. I enjoyed my time there, learned a lot, and came away feeling lifted up in my heart. Despite these facts, I decided not to pursue a membership as other plans began to take shape in my life. The Lightning Ranch IC, located in Merkel, Texas, is currently looking for members. Please check out their website for more information: https://lightningranchhealing.weebly.com/ Or take a look at their Youtube channel: https://w...

What is beauty? What makes something beautiful? Is a scar beautiful? A scar tells a story. That's beautiful because it's true. But if the story is a tragedy, it's not so beautiful. I fell off a skateboard when I was a child. Some top skin layers over my knee were scraped off. Blood began oozing out, then coagulated, then formed a scab. And the scab later healed. The story is true which is beautiful. The incident was not beautiful. It triggered some real pain I had. It reinforced the idea that I was not safe in this world, especially when I try new things. What about a discoloration? What about a blemish on the skin? What about someone who limps or someone who has lost a body part. What about someone whose parts never grew to begin with? We have an image of the body. And that image has meaning and significance in our lives. When that image is deformed, the truth of that deformation is the sad part of the story of that body. Most women spend a great deal of time working on ho...